Tic, Tic, Tic

Sometimes its fun to give a little window into the life of a Tourettic grad student. I say things that I can and can't do and people often say "Oh, I never thought of that." I smile.

So here are some things in my life that are influenced by Chronic Motor Tic Disorder (the official name of my always present friend).
1. The laptop I'm typing on doesn't have the "tap click" turned on. I don't know what its really called, but you know the square where you move your finger around and it directs the arrow on the screen? And when you want to click something you just tap? Yea. Mine you have to click the button instead of tap. When I used to have the tap turned on, I tapped a little too much and could never stay on the page I wanted.
2. I take a long time to put on mascara. No, I'm not a diva. I just have to pause a lot so my arm can tic. Otherwise it would end up all over my face, or worse, in my eyeball :)
3. I really like straws. Open glasses are all well and good, but when you have a glass tilted at your face, and your arm jerks, you get messy. Wonder why I always order water? I don't want to be sticky by the end of my meal.
4. My shirts have loose seams. If I wear shirts that are constricting at the seams at all, they rip when my arm flies at 50 MPH (exaggeration of course).
5. I get asked if I have hiccups or cold chills at least twice a day. Even when its 90 degrees outside. And its really funny when the person sitting next to you in Sunday School/at the movies/in the library starts to notice you are moving a lot and in interesting ways so they begin to watch you out of the corner of their eye, while looking very confused, and they think you can't see them. I like to blow them a little kiss when I see that. Not really, but can you imagine how funny that would be.
6. In between writing I have to put my pen down. I can't hold it in my hand or else ink will end up in places its not supposed to be.
7. Breathing is a task. I have to essentially gulp in between abdomen jerks so I get enough oxygen. If I get light headed you can know my abs are probably just ticcing a lot and I'm not getting enough air.
8. Allow me to demonstrate something. Take one of your muscles, lets say your bicep. Now contract that muscle. Now contract again. And again. Now contract that muscle every few seconds randomly all day, every day for the rest of your life. Now imagine your other bicep, your abs, your thighs, and various other muscles participating in these contractions. That's me.
You don't want to arm wrestle me. My muscles are working out all day every day.
9. I'm grateful when people can ask me about what is happening with my body. And can even joke with me about it.
10. I'm even more grateful when people know I have it and get so used to it, they forget I have it and don't notice the tics anymore. That is a true tender mercy.

I have something that makes me totally different from all but 100,000 people in the U.S. Obviously, if I'm as awesome as I am now, God had to give me Tourette's or else I would have been SO AWESOME the Earth would not be able to contain my awesomeness. I had to have something to "hold me back" in the eyes of others. But in reality, Tic Disorder is more propelling me forward, figuratively and literally :)

So if you ever wonder why I am so high strung, or get so excited about things, or am just plain crazy, remember I'm just doped up. Meaning I have a lot of dopamine. In my substantia nigra to be exact.

Where Are You Hiding?

So remember Miranda... the overly motivated, driven, go-getter Miranda? Her friend, named motivation, has decided not to be friends anymore and has gone into hiding. This is a problem. I can't get anything done, and have become friends with this evil little thing called apathy. Not good. Motivation, come back! Let's be friends again! I promise I'll give up Disney Channel and everything. Be my friend.

On another note, to avoid getting real work done, but still pretending to be productive I research what I want to do in the future. In thinking about the future I realized, by next December I'm going to have to start narrowing my choices. How did that happen so quick? I know its a whole year away, but it always sneaks up faster than I expect. It was less than a year ago that I was clueless as to what came next in my life while applying to grad school and praying like crazy :)

So, because I like daydreaming and have this problem where I live more in the future than the present, here are my options for after graduation: 1. Get a job (my least favorite) 2. Serve a mission for my church (my favorite) 3. Teach for America 4. Go for a PhD 5. Find a random internship abroad. If I had to guess right now, I would say I'll serve a mission, come home, get a job until the school year starts and then do Teach for America. But we all know how things work out when you plan :)

We'll see. Maybe I should learn to live in the present and do some homework every once in a while before I start planning post-master's life.

P.S. I start seeing clients REALLY soon. Like this week/next week soon. Woot/scaredness!
P.P.S. I became an aunt for the 6th time this week. My new niece is Cora Ann. I can't wait until Christmas!!! It's days like this when I really wish I didn't live in Utah. Alas, I will see my wonderful, family soon enough.

Beyond the Clouds

I love hot air balloons. For lots of reasons. My brother would probably say because we're both full of hot air :) Hot air balloons have always been profound to me. This summer as I drove to Oakcrest each Monday morning, I would pass through the small town of Heber, UT. And every time I did I saw hot air air balloons rising into the sky going where ever they wanted soaring to great heights all while the passengers are contained by a cube with the top cut off. Some times when we look at the sky we see low dreary clouds and our brain pictures them as the limit to the sky. But hot air balloons can go straight through those clouds to the never ending possibilities on the other side. I love it. I think we should all be a little more hot air balloon-like. Bursting through the clouds of our life so we can realize the amazing potential on the other side.
Sometimes we see a single hot air balloon in the sky on its own journey that its enjoying and exploring independently. Other times we see huge groups or festivals of hot air balloons that fill the sky with bubble shaped adventure. Like with life, sometimes we have to leave the world behind to reach new heights. Other times, our friends, family, and those around us are on the voyage with us and we all are rising above the blanness and complication of life on land.
Not only that, but have you ever seen a dreary hot air balloon? I think not! They are always so colorful and vibrant and happiness invoking.

Now, if you are thinking, "I would love to be like that but hot air balloons have hot air which comes from propane, and I don't have either of those things." I have two words for you. Jesus Christ. The Savior is the propane and when you follow Him you allow for your balloon to be filled with hot air which lifts you off the ground. That's it. Love and follow the Savior.

To sum up... be a hot air balloon.

Goldie Girl

I love my last name. I love it more than my first name. Maybe it's because I have golden hair, so it fits me (not golden as in the blondies that fake "gold" but actually literally gold). Maybe it's because I am known as Goldielocks to very significant people in my life. Maybe it's because all of my girls at Oakcrest were "Goldie Girls" and that makes me forever linked to them. But I think mostly it's because of the connection and love that I feel with my family, especially my mom and sisters when I think of my last name. It will be a sad day when I have to give up that beautiful, sweet, good feeling last name. But until then, I'm happy being a Goldie Girl and love all the meanings that has in my life.

Spilled Milk, More Like Warm Milk

Do you ever pour yourself a cold delicious glass of milk, drink approximately half of the contents of the glass, set the glass down on the counter or the floor next to the couch where you are reading, get side tracked, come back to the milky deliciousness an hour later, take a big swig and realize that in your distraction your milk reached room temperature and you want to gag?

Me neither.

Thoughts-A-Daisies

I wish fall in Utah looked like fall in Ohio.

The brightest blessings come in the darkest of moments.

Sometimes I wish Tic Disorder didn't hurt so much.

There's too much good in my life to be sad.

Things I'm looking forward to right now:
Seeing my Oakcrest family
General conference
A dance/sleep in the living room with mattresses on the floor party with my roommates
A killer game of sardines this weekend.

Life is good.

Everybody, Everybody Wants to Be Loved

If you can't tell yet, there is and Ingrid Michaelson song for everything in my life.

Last week I was talking with a friend and he mentioned how we all have the basic need to be loved and we sometimes do crazy things to fulfill that need. That got me thinking.

Since I moved to Utah I have been void of almost all my close friends and my family. I realized I have been doing what I consider pretty crazy things to fill that void and to feel loved. So here's what I've learned about that. It is good to have "significant other" at some point to fill some of that need to be loved. But right now, my family loves me, and I have so many friends that love me. Even though most are far away, that should be enough. But, it's not.

The gap left over needs to be filled with the love Heavenly Father and the Savior offer. I need to develop my relationship with deity better and get myself in a place where I can allow Christ's love to come into my life and fill in all the empty spaces, instead of the few I'm letting him fill right now.

During this process, love freely. It's what will get you the love you need from the people in your life and from the man upstairs. If you know me well, you know when I love something I love it completely. So when that thing or person is gone, it's tough and hurts a lot. And as I've mentioned I've had a lot of things leave my life in the past 5 months. I think that's keeping me from loving as completely as I usually do. Don't do that. Don't follow my example. Love, love, love.

Life is great. The gospel is great. You are great.

I'm happy where I am. It's been difficult to get to that point (mainly because I'm not a fan of Utah. My heart is in the Midwest), and it's truer some days than others, but I'm happy. And God loves me. What more could I ask for?